Saturday, January 23, 2010

Loss

Last month I was pregnant. I went to my Obstetrician for an ultrasound and he gave me news that I did not expect to hear - my pregnancy was not healthy, and that I would eventually have a miscarriage.

This is not the type of news that anyone wants to hear a few days before Christmas.

My Obstetrician wasn't certain when I would miscarry, and told me that I would either have a miscarriage later that evening, or in the next few days. It took seven days for me to miscarry, it was an excruciating and painful wait.


I kept hoping that my doctor was wrong. I searched the Internet hoping to find a miracle, but deep down, I knew my pregnancy could not survive the cramping and heavy bleeding that I was going through.

After feeling certain that I would miscarry, I knew that instead of looking for stories of miraculous recoveries of impending miscarriages, it was time to search the Internet of what to expect when a miscarriage occurs.

When I went to my first prenatal appointment, I was given a pregnancy packet that included information on the hospital's birth center, lists of Lamaze & Lactation classes, and a blank form for the birth certificate. I was equipped with a lot of information that would help me maintain a healthy pregnancy.

However, you leave the doctor's office empty handed when you're going through a miscarriage. After my doctor told me the news that I would miscarry, he asked me if I had any questions. I had none. What questions do you have, when you're still trying to absorb the news that you're not going to be having a baby? The moment is surreal and overwhelming.

I left the office feeling numb.

It has been several weeks since my miscarriage occurred. I have gone through all the initial stages of grief: Shock, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance. Though some days I vacillate between anger, depression, & acceptance.

Here is what makes me upset; Giving me the pregnancy packet was premature. I believe most of the information contained in the packet should be given during your 2ND trimester or later. I mean do you really need a form for a birth certificate when you're only a few weeks pregnant?

Also, how is it that you can be given a list of lactation consultants & Lamaze classes and no list of support for women who are going through a miscarriage?

I was given no instructions, pamphlet, packet, or at least some kind of information on miscarriages. I had to rely on the Internet to do all my research .

I understand that even if my doctor gave me information on miscarriages, it may not contain all the information that I need. But, having some kind of information is better than having none.

I do not want to give the impression that my Obstetrician or the staff in his office were unfeeling. They were very professional, nice, and sympathetic towards my loss. But, they can do better in giving at least basic information to women who are going through a pregnancy loss.

I found many invaluable websites on miscarriage, but the one website that I found most helpful, is one that was created by a woman who went through a miscarriage. The website is called "pregnancy loss" and you can read it by clicking
here.

I don't want women who are told they are going through a miscarriage to walk out of that office empty handed. They should know what is happening to their body and be equipped with the basic facts of miscarriage.

I plan to make a packet which contains basic and helpful information on miscarriage and include a list of support groups, websites, and mail it to the doctor's office.


I'm not sure if they will toss the packet to the recycling bin, but if they hand out my packet, or at least use a version of it, and it helps at least ONE woman, then it is worth the time and the stamp to mail it.

I have debated whether I should blog about my miscarriage or if I should bother to mail a miscarriage packet to my Obstetrician's office. And then I realized that healing comes in many forms. For me, part of my healing process was to write about this & maybe help other women.

It has been several weeks since I miscarried, and yet I still grieve for the baby that could have been mine. I am often amazed that I can still find something to laugh about after experiencing a traumatic event, and then there are days in which I find it hard to get out of bed.

RM has been extremely supportive, especially since this pregnancy loss has affected him as well. He was ready to buy the baby a football.


When I told him that the baby might be a girl, he paused for a moment and said, "Then I'll buy a pink fuzzy football."

He was looking forward to being a dad again.

And I wish I didn't have to lose my baby.

23 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Wow, I am so, so sorry. This was recently posted about on Mormon Mommy Blogs and how it's a silent club for women.

I have a malformed utuerus and am very high risk for miscarriage, including in my second trimester. I think a packet like this would be so appreciated.

wendy said...

I was so sad to read that. I wondered how come you hadn't posted anything for so long. I'd check your blog every other day or so, now I understand why.
I have never experienced such a loss, so can't totally relate to your pain, but I wish I could give you a hug.
I think you should maybe look into forming a "support group" in your area---I think a women needs OTHER women to get with so they can share there feelings.
I think mailing your Dr. that pamphlet is a good idea.

so sorry

mother goose said...

My heart and arms leap right out to you. I don't know what to say, write or do, as I have never experienced such a loss. But, please know I feel for you, I pray for you and I'm here.

I think it is a great thing to do and you should look into publishing it yourself. Because not only in your area but around the world women go through this and experience this and are left with nothing but themselves and hopefully a supportive family/friend group. What a wonderful blessing this would be.

Thank you for sharing. It is part of healing. I hope you get stronger both in body, mind and spirit and that you and RM may try again!
love to you all.

Melinda said...

Before I had my son, I had a miscarriage. It was awful (as you well know), I was 12 weeks along and completely naive. I found the greatest strength with other people who had gone through the same thing, they knew how I felt and could give advice on how they dealt with it. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I hope you can now be a help to other people who have to go through this as well (obviously you are, with creating the pamphlet and everything!), its helped me a lot to be supportive to other women. Good luck with the healing, you'll still have rough spots (like around the time of your due date, that was hard for me), but it will help to be proactive (just like you're doing!). Hope this helps atleast a little, know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you also!

Suzanne said...

I am sooo sorry. I feel your frustration about coming home empty-handed...literally. Info packets would be so helpful. I had two miscarriages in a row. One at 11 weeks and one at 8 weeks. Both times the baby had a heartbeat and was "normal" up until I miscarried. Not only was it emotionally wrenching, but I also didn't understand "the process", and it was physically wrenching for weeks. I didn't realize it's a premature delivery with contractions and everything! I know some people hardly have any sign or pain. I ended up having 2 D&C's as well. I think sharing it is healing as well. While I should just offer you my condolensces...I still find it helpful to "remember" the babies that I didn't have. My empathies go out to you!! I am so sorry for you both. :(

natalie said...

I've lost six babies myself. I still grieve over them, and I lost the last one almost five years ago. I also lost my ability to bear children after that one. It's such a painful thing, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. It does get easier but there's always a part of you that misses that baby. I know it takes about a second to go from finding out you're pregnant to imagining what the baby will feel like and look like and smell like. I know. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Michele said...

Oh honey, I'm soo soo sorry you're having to deal with that loss. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. What a painful thing to go through and I agree with you about the pamphlets you get at the OB. Definitely a good idea to put something together like you're thinking.

Big hugz,
Michele

Heatherlyn said...

I think you are absolutely right that there needs to be more miscarriage information. I think it is a wonderful idea to provide the packets to dr. offices. You will be doing a great service for MANY women.

I hope that you are able to find comfort and peace. I'm sorry for your loss.

Wendy said...

i am so sorry to hear about this. I am so sorry for your loss. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Crazy Coxes said...

I am so, so sorry. I have been thinking about you and this must have been why. I hope you find comfort and peace!

Tammy said...

I'm so sorry. You have such a beautiful spirit and I'm sorry I'm not there to give you a hug. I know during time of loss your emotions can run wild. I think it's perfectly appropriate to make the pamphlet for the doctor's office. I know some women in my family have struggled with miscarriage and it is heartbreaking, but at some point I give you my word...the sun will shine again.

If there's one thing I've learned lately is that the road you are on is not always the easiest, but in the end you'll make it through. My heart and prayers are coming!!! Love to you and your family!!!

septembermom said...

I'm so sorry. I feel so sad to think of your pain. I think you'll do so much good giving those packets of information.

Hugs to you my friend.

Jenners said...

I'm so so sorry to hear this. I know quite a few women who have had this experience and it isn't easy. I'm sure you can find support on various blogs and so forth ... but I do think that your doctor should have offered you some local resources and support and an opportunity for counseling. It is a very difficult thing.

Sending hugs.

roy/elisabeth dean said...

Awwwwww Sweetie! I am so sorry for you and your boys.
My daughter went through the same thing when she miscarried. She was 7 weeks pregnant and the Drs office treated it as if it wasn't really a BABY she had lost! I think a packet is just what is needed. It would help a lot of families and be very carthartic for you to write!
Be strong! I'll keep you in my prayers~
♥,Lilly

Debbie / Cranberry Fries said...

I think it's amazing that even through this difficult time your thoughts are turned to others and hoping that no one else has to do this alone. You're a strong and caring woman! I'm so sorry for your loss.

The Crazy Coxes said...

Thinking of you today!

Jenn said...

Oh HK, I'm so sorry. And you are right about all of it - about the lack of support at the doctor's office and lack of information.
I think it's wonderful that you're going to make a packet that can be used. Women should be given this information so they know what to expect, and so that they definitely know they are not alone.
My prayers are with you and your family.

Sue said...

I'm glad that you finally posted about your traumatic and sad experience. It seems you have a lot of good friends and supporters in the readers of your blog. Good for you for making the packet for the dr's office. I think they will appreciate a way of helping women through the loss of a pregnancy. Thinking of you and sending hugs!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. A Loss at any stage in a life is sad and hard to go through.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think you should email the obstetrician I think you are right, there is definitely not enough information given out there by the doctors office.

Love ya girl.. Hugz!

Kara Herron said...

I'm so sorry. Make sure to give yourself time to grieve. I hope you feel a little better soon.

Take care,
Kara

Emma said...

Wow... I am so sorry, thanks for letting us know!

I hope the healing process is quick.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh. This made me cry. And cry. I love that you are going to make a package. I think that will be a blessing to someone. And I am thankful that you are caring and want to help others.

I am so very sorry for your loss. So very, very sorry. Praying.

♫ Spasm ♫ said...

Oh, HK I am sooo sorry. I know I only "know you online" but I do understand and was touched by this post.

I love your idea as well. Maybe that is something you can head up and make a difference with.

Again, my cyber hugs go out to you and your fam.